


Scars That Bind

by Annerp



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Emotionally Repressed, Frottage, Getting Together, M/M, Modern Bucky Barnes, Mutual Masturbation, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-graphic injuries, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, They deserve all the nice things, This will end well!, Touch-Starved, and they gET THEM, so do we
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:07:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27882737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annerp/pseuds/Annerp
Summary: Steve Rogers is the world's only super soldier. The serum he was given grants him an enhanced body and healing factor to go along with his already sharp intellect.And although his body may heal quickly, that doesn't mean there won't be scars...................In which Steve's body heals, but his injuries leave scars that he doesn't allow anyone to see. He keeps his body and his emotions under wrap.Then office worker Bucky Barnes crashes into his life. Will Steve take the chance and let Bucky get close enough to see what he's been hiding from the rest of the world?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 148
Kudos: 470





	1. I'd fall for you over and over

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Steve's body is scarred from the injuries he has endured. No one except his personal Doctor knows. There are some minor descriptions of injuries later on, but nothing graphic.

Scars that bind

  
**I'd fall for you over and over**

Most days Bucky Barnes walks into Stark Tower at 7:46 AM, swipes his security badge and rides the elevator up to the 22nd floor. He’s at his desk starting up his computer by 7:59 AM. He checks his calendar, reads his emails and prioritizes his work list for the day. 

But not everyday. Some days Bucky Barnes walks into Stark Tower at 7:46 AM, swipes his security badge and dodges out of the way when over 6 feet of super soldier marches through the lobby intent on getting where he needs to go, as quickly as possible. 

When that happens, Bucky is at his desk, starting up his computer by 8:02 AM. On those days he takes 2 extra minutes to compose himself, pushes thoughts about Captain Rogers out of his head, then checks his calendar, reads his emails and prioritizes his work list for the day. 

Today though, the person in front of him is having trouble swiping their badge so when he tries to dodge over 6 feet of super soldier, he doesn’t quite make it. 

At 7:49 AM he hits the ground with a loud “oof” and over 6 feet of super soldier on top of him. 

Under any other circumstances Bucky Barnes would be excited to be underneath Captain Rogers. However, the lobby in Stark Tower is not the best place to make a personal connection. 

Somehow, in the tangle of limbs, Bucky makes it to his feet first. Naturally, he reaches out and offers his hand to help Captain Rogers up. His act of goodwill is met with beautiful blue eyes and a confused expression. 

“Here, let me help you up.”

Captain Rogers looks between Bucky’s face and his outstretched hand before apparently coming to a decision and taking the offering. 

“It’s fine. Mostly my fault,” the Captain says with a sheepish look that flits across his face. Bucky finds it entirely too attractive. 

He doesn’t get long to admire it though. Bucky huffs in surprise as he watches Captain Rogers turn and continue marching through the lobby. He’s consoled by the view of the Captain's amazing ass. 

xxx

Bucky has heard all the rumors. Of course he has. It’s hard to ignore them. ‘Captain Rogers is all business. Has no friends. Never smiles. Doesn’t date.'

In Bucky’s limited experience with the Captain, any or all of them could be true.

He’s also seen the flip side in those trashy magazines displayed by the register when he goes grocery shopping. ‘The Captain is dating whatever celebrity is hot that week. He’s an alien. Has a secret love child.’

Bucky isn’t sure how secret it can be if the story is front and center at his grocery store every week.

His favorite though, is ‘The Captain has an underground sex dungeon.’ 

Sex dungeon, or no, Bucky Barnes is intrigued. 

Occasionally, since his literal run-in with Captain Rogers, there are days, few and far between, that Bucky feels extra daring. 

There has been an increase of those lately. He _may_ have started wearing his black slacks more often, the ones that make his ass look amazing. He _might_ have started wearing eyeliner to highlight the color of his eyes. It’s _possible_ that he would swipe his security badge at 7:48 AM. Which means it’s _plausible_ that he may run into Captain Rogers again. 

He doesn’t though. There have been a number of close calls, but the Captain always seems to avoid the inevitable collision, much to Bucky’s continued disappointment. 

Today is the same, a close call, a near miss, except for the brave brush of fingertips Bucky trails over the Captain’s arm as they pass and the deep voice behind him that asks, “are you doing this on purpose?” 

The Captain doesn’t sound angry, but neither does he sound happy. Bucky was hoping for flirty, but will settle for mild interest. 

“I may have been hoping for a repeat of last time,” he answers with a smile, trying to encourage the Captain to ease the furrow between his brows and the downturn of his mouth. 

The frown disappears, but the furrowed brow doesn’t. “Why?”

Bucky figures he has nothing to lose, nevermind the weeks of strategically setting up near collisions, the extra time in the morning to get his hair and eyeliner just right, the two extra pairs of slacks he purchased, just to make sure his ass always looked its best. Ignoring all that, he has nothing to lose by saying, “I was hoping to be able to ask if you wanted to have coffee with me.”

“Wouldn’t it have been easier to just come up and ask me?”

Of course it would have been easier. But where's the fun in that? Luckily, Bucky is a quick thinker. “Maybe. Why don’t we discuss it over coffee?”

xxx

Coffee with Captain Rogers is… just that. Coffee… with Captain Rogers.

The Captain takes his coffee black, no sugar, no milk, no creamer. He drinks it like it's his job with precise swallows that end with the mug back in the exact same spot on the table and the Captain's hands folded in front of him. Every single time.

"So, this is nice," Bucky says, trying to elicit some type of response. He’s starting to think those rumors about the Captain being all business and having no friends might actually be true.

What he receives is an eyebrow lifted ever so slightly. If Bucky hadn't been staring at the Captain so intently he probably would have missed it. Still, it's a response.

"Have you tried the cookies here? They're really good." Bucky is already breaking off a piece of his own and offering it to the Captain. 

The blond takes the offering and eyes it critically before finally sticking the entire piece in his mouth. He chews and swallows with the same precision as he drinks his coffee and then mumbles a polite 'thank you'.

It strikes Bucky as almost mechanical.

The conversation may not exactly be stimulating, but that doesn't deter Bucky from asking the Captain to meet him for coffee again. And again. And again. 

And Captain Rogers accepts. Again. And again. And again.

Over the course of several months, coffees with Captain Rogers turn into lunches with Steve Rogers, which turn into dinners with Steve. 

Bucky always asks and Steve almost always accepts. Bucky always chooses the place and Steve always pays. Bucky always talks and asks questions and Steve always listens and sometimes answers. 

Bucky is always left wanting more.

For months he has carefully worked to cultivate this thing between them. Guarding and encouraging their budding connection into a casual friendship. At least on his end. 

Steve is hard to read. He's even harder to get close to. His reactions are muted, his emotions held closely to his chest, but the brief glimpses Bucky is afforded, a soft smile here, a chuckle there, even a stunted flash of annoyance make it all worth-while, as fleeting and rare as they are.

It also continues to leave Bucky wanting more.

“I was thinking, maybe we could have dinner at my place on Friday, I can cook for us,” Bucky suggests as they stand on the sidewalk just outside the little Italian place Bucky picked for tonight's dinner. The food was good, the atmosphere perfect and once again Bucky is feeling brave. 

Steve’s softly spoken, 'yeah, we can do that,' gives Bucky the courage to lean up on his toes and press a quick kiss to Steve’s lips. Their first. 

Steve blinks in response. Bucky lets his fingertips linger over Steve’s arm a little longer than necessary, relishing the feeling of warmth emanating through Steve's long sleeve shirt. Bucky savors the contact almost as much as the brief press of their mouths together as they part. 

“Great, I’ll text you my address. See you then Steve.”

When Bucky looks back as he's walking away, Steve is still standing in front of the restaurant. He has his fingertips pressed to his lips and he's watching Bucky intently. 

Bucky gives him a little wave and gets a slight nod of Steve's head in return.


	2. Butterflies Soar on Gossamer Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to post this now. Just because.

Chapter 2

** Butterflies Soar on Gossamer Wings **

Cooking is an activity that Bucky really enjoys, he finds the process relaxing. Which is good because even though he is still feeling brave, his plans to possibly further his relationship with Steve have his stomach full of butterflies. 

Bucky gives Steve a quick peck on the cheek when he opens the door for the blond. What he gets in return is one of those small smiles that Steve sometimes favors him with that makes Bucky's heart flutter in his chest. 

Dinner is simple, chicken with rice and vegetables. Bucky talks and asks questions. Steve listens and often answers. At the end of the night, Bucky asks for permission and Steve grants it with another of those small nods, so Bucky kisses him, winding one hand into his hair and placing the other on Steve's waist. 

When he deepens the kiss Steve doesn’t push him away and Bucky is careful not to push for more. 

Even though he definitely wants more. Especially when Steve makes a small noise in the back of his throat. Bucky thinks it sounds pleased.

xxx

Dinners at Bucky’s become routine. Bucky always cooks. Steve always eats whatever Bucky makes and he usually responds to Bucky’s questions. Over the course of the next few weeks, the responses become more frequent, as do the tempting press of lips.

Oftentimes Bucky can get Steve to stay and watch a movie. He has learned, through careful observation, that Steve doesn't like war movies or really anything with too much violence. He is ambivalent to comedies, only occasionally humming low in his chest while his features remain impassive. Steve only seems to relax when Bucky chooses a nature documentary or a cartoon.

Steve's only response when Bucky asks him what he likes about them is to say, 'they don't hurt'. 

The answer makes the butterflies in Bucky's stomach beat their wings in distress.

Sometimes Bucky curls up to Steve’s side, under the blond’s arm. He holds Steve’s hand, strokes fingertips over his thigh, feeling the muscle tense and release with each pass.

Tonight is one of those nights. And it leaves Bucky wanting more.

The movie ends with Bucky straddling Steve’s lap, while pressing soft kisses to his lips, hands buried in blond hair. Steve responds with soft sounds in his throat and Bucky's butterflies spread their wings.

Bucky rocks his hips forwards and back in Steve’s lap, chasing friction and pleasure. 

Steve gives him a gift, a surprising show of unprompted tenderness, and nuzzles at Bucky's neck while Steve's hands grip tightly at his waist. 

Bucky isn’t prepared for the intimacy of feeling Steve’s lips against sensitive skin or Steve's fingertips brushing over his sides. His orgasm washes over him so suddenly he can barely catch his breath before Steve gives him another gift as he hesitantly brings his arms up to hold Bucky against his chest where he can hear the blond's heart beat steady and strong and feel the gentle vibration of Steve's soft hum. 

It is enough to keep Bucky's head in the clouds for days and the butterflies lazily flapping their wings in contentment.

xxx

Bucky calls Steve, sometimes he texts. Steve usually answers. It works for them. 

Usually. 

Except when it doesn't. 

When it doesn't, the reason is almost exclusively, The Avengers.

Bucky calls and texts, but this time Steve doesn’t answer. A quick check of the news let's Bucky know Steve and the rest of The Avengers have been involved in an incident in Florida that morning. But that was hours ago. 

He knows from experience that debrief can take a while, but Steve usually at least responds to him by then. A quick text with when he'll be back, a brief message to say he needs to reschedule dinner. Once or twice a short call to claim he is okay when Bucky can clearly tell Steve is not.

Worried, he finds himself at Steve’s apartment. He's been there before, for movie nights and dinners prepared in Steve's space with the blond standing close by his side. It isn't lost on Bucky, the amount of trust Steve has placed in him by allowing Bucky into his space.

The two bedroom unit is large and has a nice kitchen that Bucky likes to cook in. There is also a big couch that he likes to snuggle up to Steve on while they watch movies. 

Bucky's knock at the door goes unanswered. 

It’s as he’s turning to leave that he finds Steve standing in the hallway behind him. 

Steve's face is bruised across one cheek. There is a cut along his jawline. His hair is full of gray dust and his normally blue uniform has a light coating of the same all over. The blond’s movements are stiff and his left arm is wrapped protectively around his middle. 

"Bucky?" His voice sounds like gravel and Bucky can't decide if Steve is happy to see him or not. The butterflies in his stomach beat their wings as one.

"Here, let me help you," he says as he ducks under Steve's arm and helps him to the door. The move is probably unnecessary, but makes Bucky feel better all the same.

The lock is some fancy Starktech device where Steve only has to press his hand to the reader for the door to click open. It's a convenient feature that allows Bucky to help Steve inside without having to let go. 

"I'm okay Bucky," Steve tells Bucky as he is ushered down the hallway.

"No, you're not."

"Buck-"

Bucky's stomach flutters at the shortening of his nickname, but he pushes that particular reaction aside to be examined later.

"Just let me take care of you." Bucky is surprised when Steve actually goes quiet and allows himself to be herded into the master bathroom. 

"Where are you hurt?" Bucky asks when he gets Steve settled against the counter. He can see a couple of blood stains on the dark blue fabric, but it's hard to tell if it belongs to Steve or someone else.

"I'm fine-" 

"You're not fine." Bucky cuts Steve's protest off a little harsher than he intends. "Just let me help okay?" He asks in a much softer tone.

He can tell Steve wants to argue with him, but Bucky can also see the moment Steve decides to give in. He'd be proud of the way he has learned to pick up on the microscopic fluctuations in Steve's expressions, but his current concern is taking care of him. 

"Right now what I need most is a hot shower, some clean clothes, and some food." 

The last is said with a pleading tone and Steve turns the full power of his blue eyes on Bucky, something he very rarely does. Those incredible eyes combined with the unusual show of emotion has the brunet practically tripping over himself in his rush to be useful. 

"I'll go make you something to eat while you shower. How does that sound?"

Steve's soft smile looks genuine and honestly, a bit relieved. The butterflies in Bucky's stomach settle.

Fifteen minutes later Bucky is tapping on the bathroom door. "I've got food for you."

Before he can say anything else Steve comes out wearing cotton sleep pants and a long sleeve shirt. He certainly looks better than before. Now that Steve's clean, Bucky can see that the cut on his jaw is already healing and the bruising across his cheek isn't as pronounced as before. "How are your ribs?" 

"They're fi-" Steve stops himself at the look on Bucky's face. "A little sore," he admits as he makes his way over to the bed where Bucky has placed a plate with a couple of sandwiches on the side table.

Bucky stays overnight for the very first time and watches Steve settle into bed, the blond flat on his back, hands folded across his stomach as he sleeps.

It strikes Bucky as mechanical, like many of Steve's actions, and the very idea makes Bucky a little sad while the butterflies shift restlessly.

Bucky dreams of a chrysalis, crystalline and sharp, containing a fragile blue life, pulsing in time with the beat of his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've upped the chapter count because I felt like the next part of the story should stand alone.


	3. My Heart Beats for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has the patience of a saint, but he's only human.

Chapter 3

**My Heart Beats for you**

Bucky may have hoped to wake up with Steve's body pressed against his, arms wrapped around his smaller body. What he finds when he blinks his eyes open, is an empty bed, blankets long gone cold without the warmth of Steve's body.

He pulls his jeans on, having taken them off to sleep, but opts to keep the shirt he borrowed for the night, just so he has something of the blond's to fight off the morning chill. 

Beneath his feet the ground is cold and hard and he’s glad he kept his socks on during the night. 

In all the times he’s been at Steve’s place Bucky has never strayed beyond the living room, kitchen and bathroom, until last night. When he doesn’t find Steve in any of those spaces Bucky spends several minutes debating looking for him behind any of the doors down the hallway. 

In the end, he decides to take a look. 

At the second door, which is cracked open, he can hear the unmistakable timber of Steve’s voice. Bucky’s heart rate quickens as he listens. 

“...I know. It wasn’t anything you needed to treat…”

“...a couple of broken ribs…”

“...they’re fine, I taped them...”

“...a few bruises…”

“...minor puncture in my left side…”

“...stitched it up last night…” 

“...correct...”

“...how long do I have to be off?”

“...that’s too long. There’s no reason I can’t go back on duty now…”

“Fine, twenty four hours. Starting from the end of the mission…”

“...I appreciate your concern, but we’ve been over this Dr. Cho…”

“...I’ll see you this afternoon then.”

Bucky can hear Steve set his phone down and take several slow breaths. He reaches a hand out to steady himself against the wall feeling shaky on his feet. Steve stitched his own side last night? And has broken ribs? Bucky knew Steve’s ribs were sore, but broken?

“Steve?” 

Bucky taps lightly on the door and waits until the blond opens it.

“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to… did you just say you were stabbed?” Bucky thinks about the blood stains on Steve’s uniform last night.

One of those micro expressions flits across Steve’s features too fast for Bucky to read. 

“It’s not a big deal. I stitched it up,” Steve answers with his characteristic stoicism. 

Bucky has to stop and replay that statement over in his head before he can say anything. 

“You should have seen a doctor or at least told me. I could have helped.”

This time Bucky catches the expression on Steve’s face before he locks it away. Uncertainty. It hurts Bucky in a way that he can’t articulate and his chest tightens in response.

xxx

Another movie ends with Bucky on Steve's lap. Steve has his face pressed into Bucky's neck. Bucky can feel his breath ghost over his skin in soft washes of air. He shivers at the sensation and tilts his head to allow Steve better access, heart fluttering in pleasure. 

The touch of Steve's lips, not quite a kiss, to Bucky's neck pulls a sound from Bucky's throat that he will never acknowledge in it's desperation.

Bucky presses their bodies close together, his bare chest against the soft cotton of one of the endless supply of long sleeve shirts Steve seems to have. This one is blue and compliments Steve's eyes beautifully. 

The thing is, Steve looks unfairly good in them, but right now Bucky would prefer being pressed against the expanse of Steve's warm flesh. 

He consoles himself with soft kisses and thrills at the way Steve's hands feel against his back. The touch is gentle, almost tentative, but so, so good.

With great effort Bucky pulls away, fingers finding the hem of Steve's shirt. He raises a questioning eyebrow, seeking permission. Beneath his fingertips Bucky can feel Steve's muscles tense as he waits for the blond's approval.

Bucky doesn't even try to hold back a moan when Steve rolls his hips and pulls him in for a deeper kiss. It won't occur to him until much later that this is the first one Steve has initiated and by then he'll have more troubling things on his mind.

"Steve," he whispers on an exhale. "Please, I want to feel you."

One of Steve's hands slides around Bucky's waist, fingers grazing his erection. Any thoughts of Steve's shirt are lost to the haze of sensation and anticipation of deft fingers working his pants open. 

"Yes," Bucky breathes at the simultaneous relief and strain of Steve's palm ghosting over him. 

With one hand he reaches down as he leans away, allowing room to push his briefs down and pull himself out. He can't stop his hips from grinding down and then bucking up into Steve's warm grip. 

It doesn't take long. A few slow strokes and Bucky comes undone with the fleeting hint of Steve's lips over his collar bone, the rapid rush of his pulse slowing as he collapses against Steve’s chest.

xxx

Bucky has Steve's bulk pulled down over him on the couch, strong arms caging him in. With each of their pants undone, the smaller man has one hand wrapped around both of them, the other is clutching tightly at the back of Steve's neck. 

He can't help the soft gasps that fall from his lips as he works to bring them both to completion. 

Steve doesn't move right away, instead he stays, weight carefully held so as to not crush Bucky. The small upturn at the corner of Steve's mouth and the sleepy droop of his eyes gives Bucky a warm feeling inside and calms his racing heart.

xxx

At 7:46 AM Bucky swipes his badge at Stark Tower and heads for the elevators as is his usual routine. Sometimes he sees Steve crossing the lobby. When he does, he smiles to himself. If Steve notices him, Bucky gets that small nod that he’s learned to cherish.

Today Bucky’s hand reaches for the elevator button, but stops when he hears a decidedly female voice call out Steve’s name. It’s not The Black Widow and it’s not Pepper Potts, both of whom he has occasionally seen keeping pace with Steve as he marches through. 

This is someone else. Tall, blonde, with a perfect smile and a confident stance. This is someone who eyes Steve with more than just professional intentions. Bucky knows that look, he’s worn it enough himself. But not at work. Not since the first time they met for coffee and not in the ensuing months. 

Bucky has carefully kept their relationship secret and separate from the rest of his life, choosing to respect Steve’s privacy, even if it wasn’t implicitly asked for. He figures the rest of the world gets Captain Rogers and so he wants to keep Steve for himself. Selfish? Maybe. But Bucky doesn’t get the impression that Steve would disagree with him. 

He watches the woman place a hand on Steve's arm with a casual familiarity that Bucky wishes he and Steve could have. He tells himself it's enough to know Steve is his.

But is he really? They've never talked about what they are to each other, never defined their relationship. Bucky hasn't felt a need to. 

Seeing the way the woman looks at Steve has him wondering, and the bright smile Steve gives her has him devastated.

xxx

When Bucky opens the door Steve leans down for the kiss on the cheek Bucky usually greets him with, but straightens back up when Bucky steps away. 

If he had been looking, Bucky would have seen the frown that passed over Steve's features. Instead, he walks back into the living room and sits on the couch, at one end, not in the middle where they typically find themselves. 

He plans on keeping his mouth shut, has no intention of letting Steve know about the woman he saw Steve with. He won’t tell Steve how his day went to absolute shit after that, how he spilled his coffee, was late for a meeting, made a mistake on a finance report, dropped his phone and cracked the screen or how he stumbled down the stairs leading to the subway and bruised his knee.

And he has absolutely no plans to tell him how watching Steve smile at that woman just about broke his heart. 

So naturally, he does. “I saw you today. In the lobby.”

Steve’s expression stays infuriatingly neutral. 

“Who was that blonde lady?” He hates the way he can hear the accusation in his voice. If Steve hears it, he doesn’t react. “Seemed like she knows you pretty well.” And oh. There’s something Bucky doesn't want to think about. 

Steve furrows his eyebrows, but doesn’t say anything. At this point Bucky can’t keep his mouth shut to save his life.

“You sure smiled at her like you knew her.” And that’s it isn’t it? The way Steve smiled at her. The way he doesn’t smile at Bucky. Even after all this time. 

“You don’t want me to smile at you like that,” Steve responds. 

Bucky will be the first to admit he has no idea what that means and Steve’s lack of expression isn’t offering any clues. 

"Do you realize since we started seeing...since we've been…our entire…," Bucky makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and throws his hands up in the air. "I don't even know what this is between us. I've been patient, accepting anything you were willing to give me and I'm just realizing, it's not a lot."

Bucky has worked himself up, chest constricting with the rapid pulse of his heart. His voice gaining volume as he spoke, but now he only wants to curl up and make this day go away.

The more he thinks about things, the more it hurts and he can’t stop all his fears and doubts from spilling out. Everything that he refused to acknowledge as it whispered in the back of his mind.

"Almost everything you've told me I can read in a book. I feel like I don't even know you."

That statement gets the biggest reaction; a small frown coupled with a furrowed brow.

Bucky doesn't know when he stood up, but he can feel himself sway on his feet.

"You keep me out. Keep me at arm's length.” 

He knows he’s not being fair. He knows he should let Steve explain himself. He knows Steve simply smiling at a woman shouldn’t be affecting him this much. But Bucky also knows that ever since meeting, it has been him to ask Steve out. Him to talk and ask questions, him to kiss Steve, to touch him, to initiate any type of intimacy. It has been Bucky to bare himself to Steve’s unwavering gaze. It has been Bucky to welcome Steve into his heart. 

“I need you to give me something Steve. Anything. Just something to make me want you to stay"

Steve’s phone trills its Avengers alarm just as he opens his mouth to respond and Bucky’s heart stops.


	4. Your Scars Bind us Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I may have definitely increased the chapter count because these boys need an epilogue after this.
> 
> Warning for description of injuries and scarring. Not graphic. And a mention of scientists conducting human expirements with no detail.

Chapter 4

**Your Scars Bind us Together**

That stupid Avengers alarm had Steve showing more emotion than...well… since that morning when Bucky saw him smile at that woman.

Steve's features draw into a deep frown, with a distinct edge of irritation. He pulls out his phone, swipes through several screens and curses under his breath. 

"You have to go," Bucky says before Steve can. He already knows. 

He does know, and he understands. It's Steve's job. He just wishes the timing weren't so colossally fucked up. 

"Bucky-"

"It's okay. You have to go." 

"When I get back-"

Bucky cuts him off again, not wanting to drag it out any longer than necessary. "We'll talk." He tries to make himself sound more convincing than he feels. 

"Be careful Steve." 

He opens the door for Steve and gives in to the desire to kiss him goodbye, before sending him on his way.

xxx

It's been a week. A long week of Bucky swiping his security badge at 7:48 am hoping to run into Steve in the lobby. He listens closely to any gossip going around the tower, hoping to hear any news about Steve or even any of The Avengers. 

There's nothing. Not even the usual speculation about Captain Rogers' love life that Bucky has found increasingly amusing since he and Steve started this thing between them.

xxx

The news says The Avengers are in Arizona. It doesn't say exactly where.

It says they are fighting a group of rogue scientists that were doing human experiments. It doesn't say what kind. 

It says there was an explosion and that The Avengers had to call in reinforcements. It doesn't say who.

It says some of them have been injured. It doesn't say how bad.

It says they will be on their way back home. It doesn't say when.

Bucky tries to stay optimistic as the days wear on. He doesn't really know how.

Bucky tries not to watch the TV. He also tries not to stare at his phone. He tells himself that Steve will let him know when he's home. He tells himself they don't need to have that talk after all. 

It's enough. What they have is enough. Whatever Steve is willing to give him is enough. He tries to convince himself that it's true, even if in his heart he knows that it's not.

xxx

The knock on the door startles Bucky from his light doze. In the background the TV flickers, replaying the explosion on repeat every few minutes while everyone with an opinion and access to a camera all talk over each other. 

The knock comes again, louder this time as Bucky finds the remote and turns off the TV before answering the door.

"Steve? Oh my god." 

He's reaching out to pull Steve inside, but stops short, unsure where he can touch him. 

Steve saves him the trouble and limps inside. Bucky studies his face carefully, looking for those micro expressions to get a feel for what Steve is thinking. He thinks he sees pain, relief and determination all flash by, but he can't be sure. 

Bucky takes a moment to look Steve over and doesn't like what he finds. His uniform is torn in places and looks to be burned in others. A bloody gash traverses the width of his left thigh just above his knee. There are stains that look suspiciously like blood in several places. The knuckles on one hand are scraped raw and there is blood slowly soaking into his collar from a wound on Steve's head.

"Why are you here?" Bucky blurts out in a panic. 

This time he easily catches the expression on Steve's face. Disappointment. Only, it doesn't go away, just morphs into something more sad.

"I thought we were going to talk." 

"We will! I promise. But you should have gone to a Doctor. You're hurt!"

It's relief this time. Bucky wonders if he’s getting better at picking up Steve's expressions.

"I told my doctor I would call her when I got here." Steve pulls his phone out of a pocket hidden somewhere on his uniform and adds, "if that's okay?"

"Of course. Yeah, of course. Let me just..." 

Bucky points over his shoulder towards the bathroom, where he keeps a fully stocked med kit ever since waking up that morning at Steve's and overhearing that the blond had stitched himself up. 

When he comes back Steve is standing in the same spot, but he has started working open the hidden zippers and catches that hold his uniform together. 

A fleeting wince has Bucky rushing to put the kit down so he can help.

"Here, let me. Just tell me where." 

His hands hover in front of Steve's chest as he waits for instructions that don't immediately come. When he looks up at Steve's face he doesn't recognize the expression. 

“Here,” Steve finally says, pushing back a flap and showing Bucky a zipper. “There’s another one on the other side. And buckles.” He tilts his head to indicate where the buckles are hidden. 

Bucky works to carefully peel Steve out of the uniform. The fabric is thicker and heavier than he expected. Underneath, Steve is wearing a set of compression gear that shows the same damage as the uniform. 

“I think it might be best to cut these off,” Bucky tells Steve as his fingers work under the edge of his shirt. “If you’re okay with that?”

It takes Steve a few seconds to respond. Just long enough for Bucky to look up and see the way his eyebrows are drawn together. 

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best.” 

Steve won’t meet his gaze, but Bucky has to push that aside for now. He pulls a pair of safety scissors out of the med kit and after debating the best way to get Steve out of the shirt, starts to cut up the center of the back. 

Steve’s shoulders hunch forward with the first cut and he makes a noise low in his chest that stops Bucky’s hand.

“Are you okay?”

Bucky can see the expansion and contraction of Steve’s chest when he takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it back out.

“You can keep going.”

He doesn’t sound 100% sure, but Bucky does as he says and the skin tight material starts to pull apart after each cut. 

It takes every ounce of Bucky's self control not to react as Steve's body is revealed.

Bucky's hands shake as he swipes at his eyes before circling back to Steve’s front to guide the ruined shirt off his arms and to the floor. He finds he can’t look up and keeps staring down at the shirt.

“Bucky.” It’s a whisper, said with a soft exhale of breath. 

Bucky wishes he had Steve’s ability to hide his feelings, because right now, he’s feeling a lot and none of it’s good. 

“Bucky, look at me.”

Steve’s fingers tip Bucky’s chin up until their eyes meet. This time he can read Steve easily. Fear. Anxiety. Shame.

It takes Bucky a couple of tries to say anything. 

“I didn’t know.” His hand reaches out and gently traces across the skin of Steve’s chest. 

“Almost no one does. My Doctor and a couple of people at SHIELD who were there when they first defrosted me.” 

“What about your team?” 

Steve shakes his head and winces slightly at the movement.

“Can we get the rest of this off and call Dr. Cho? If you're up for it she can talk you through patching me up. Or I can do it myself. Whatever you want. Then we can talk?”

Bucky kneels down and starts cutting the pants from Steve’s ankles, all the way up the sides until they too are laying on the floor.

It’s a lot to take in. Steve’s body is sculpted with muscle, which Bucky fully expected. What he wasn't prepared for, had no way of knowing about, are the myriad of scars that are littered across his flesh. 

A quick look reveals evidence of burns and punctures and slashes and things that Bucky doesn't want to even think about. 

How did he not know? After all this time, how did he not know?

"Hey. Look at me."

Bucky lifts his eyes to see Steve watching him intently. 

"It's okay Bucky."

Bucky shakes his head as a tear slips down his face. 

"Steve…"

"C'mere." 

Steve pulls Bucky into his arms and he goes willingly.

Of all the times Bucky imagined touching Steve, holding him close, it was nothing like this. Beneath his fingertips he can feel every pucker, every raised line, every jagged mark of past violence. 

"You don't have to do this if it's too hard," Steve offers as though Bucky is the one to have suffered so much.

Reluctantly, Bucky steps back and wipes his eyes. 

"I can do this. I want to do this for you."

Bucky holds Steve's phone out to him so the blond can call his Doctor. He sets up a video chat and then hands it back to Bucky. 

Dr. Cho quickly introduces herself and then instructs Bucky to walk around Steve so she can see his injuries. Her main concerns are the leg wound and possible head injury so she runs through a series of questions and has Bucky check Steve's pupils for signs of a concussion.

"I would prefer you come in for some scans and to get your leg treated." 

She waves a hand at the screen as though she already knows Steve is going to argue. 

"The wound on your leg needs to be thoroughly cleaned. It's deep, but since it's not bleeding much I feel it's safe to apply a dressing and keep an eye on it for signs of infection. It does not appear that you have a concussion, but I'll send over a list of things to look for, just in case."

"Is there anything else I should do? Anything I need to know?" Bucky asks.

"Make sure his wounds are clean, bandage any that aren't closed. Check them within the next few hours. Review the list of concussion signs I'm sending and call me if you need anything. The serum will do most of the work. Make sure he eats plenty of calories and rests so it can do its job. I'll check in tomorrow."

Bucky ends the call and sets right to work. Bringing the med kit with him, Bucky herds Steve into the bathroom. 

"This'll be easier in the shower," he explains as he starts to pull off his own clothes. 

For all the times Bucky imagined being naked with Steve for the first time, this was not how he thought it would happen. He averts his eyes when Steve pushes the boxer briefs, the only thing he is left wearing, down off his hips revealing a large scar that begins at his right hip and trails down to his thigh.

Taking the antiseptic wash from the kit, Bucky steps in the shower and beckons Steve to follow. 

Cleaning Steve’s wounds is a solemn process with very little words spoken between them. It pains Bucky to see how much Steve must have suffered over the years. 

Bucky belatedly realizes that he neglected to grab something for them both to put on so he quickly swipes a towel down his body and runs to his bedroom to grab clothes for both of them.

His gym shorts fit Steve well enough since Bucky tends to wear them big and they give him access to bandage Steve’s thigh without being eye level with the man’s exposed dick. Again, this is not how he imagined himself kneeling at Steve’s feet. 

“Bucky-”

Bucky shakes his head. 

“Let me fix you something to eat.” 

He isn’t ready to deal with any of this yet. And that’s not exactly fair to Steve, but it’s a lot to take in, so he buys himself time by making several sandwiches and reheating the pasta he made the night before.

He’s half tempted to tell Steve to take a nap after he eats, just to give himself a little more time to process. 

In the end, when Steve is done eating, Bucky opts to sit next to him. He takes Steve’s hand and starts aimlessly tracing little patterns over the back. 

Steve turns his hand and twines their fingers together. That simple gesture settles something in Bucky’s chest and he takes a steady breath for what seems like the first time since Steve showed up at his door.

“I know this is a lot. And I want to answer all your questions. You’ve been so great.” 

When Bucky opens his mouth to speak Steve raises his free hand to stop him. 

“You’ve been great,” he emphasizes. “This entire time, ever since we first met. You’ve been patient and supportive and you’re right, I’ve been keeping you at arms length. I’m not… I don’t know how to… It’s hard…” Steve blows out a breath and starts again. 

“That woman you saw me with? She’s a SHIELD psychologist. I’m required to meet with her periodically.”

Hearing that she is Steve’s psychologist is both a relief and unsettling at the same time. 

“What happens if you don’t?”

“Then I’m pulled off active duty. And if she reports back that I’m not functioning well, they’ll also pull me off.”

The way Steve uses the word functioning makes Bucky’s stomach twist uncomfortably because he knows just enough about Steve to draw a conclusion.

“So you fake it?” Bucky asks, already knowing the answer. 

“With her, yeah. Sometimes with others. When I have to.” 

Steve shrugs his shoulders as though it’s perfectly normal and Bucky feels angry on his behalf.

“You said only a few people know,” Bucky says as he gestures to Steve’s scarred body. He waits for Steve to nod and then asks, “why do you hide them? Are you... ashamed? I’m just trying to understand,” he adds quickly at the way the corners of Steve’s mouth turn down.

It takes Steve a few moments to respond. Bucky is willing to wait as long as it takes.

“Captain America is this ideal. The perfect soldier, a leader, an icon. I was given the serum to be all of that. I was made to be this symbol and I owed it to Dr. Erskine, Howard and Peggy to be that. And most of the time that’s okay. It’s who I am. The serum turned me into something more than Steve Rogers and it’s my duty to live up to it.”

Bucky waits for Steve to continue knowing the blond has more to say, even if Bucky can already tell he isn't going to agree with it.

"The scars, if people saw them, it would damage that perfect image everyone has of Captain America."

Bucky can't stay quiet when he hears that.

"So what if it ruins people's view of Captain America? Who cares?"

"I'm supposed to be invulnerable-"

"And so what? If the world sees you like this they might realize you're an actual human being?"

As soon as he says it, Bucky knows he's hit on something. He doesn't need to see the way Steve twitches to tell Bucky he's right.

"What's so wrong with being human?" He asks.

"I was made to-"

"No Steve. You weren't _made_ to be anything. Screw Captain America and his perfect image. You're a person, not some fucking propaganda machine that can be trotted out to fight bad guys and make everyone feel all warm and fuzzy."

"You wouldn't understand."

And that makes Bucky see red. He's not mad at Steve. He's mad for Steve. But that doesn't mean he isn't frustrated as hell.

"Of course not! How could I when you won't let me in."

Steve refuses to respond. He purses his lips and sets his jaw, unwilling to look at Bucky, trying to wait him out.

It doesn't work and Bucky can see the moment Steve breaks.

"I don't know how to be a person. Not since before the serum. I have no idea how I'm supposed to act or what I'm supposed to feel. And I never wanted to before. It was easier not to. But I try Bucky. I've been trying. For you. I tried for you. And I know I'm terrible at it, but fuck, I want to."

"Steve." 

Bucky's hand has crept up to press against his mouth trying to stifle the sob that is working it's way out of his chest.

"You want to know why I went to coffee with you that first time?" 

Steve doesn't wait for Bucky to respond. Now that he's saying them, the words come tumbling out. 

"It's because you touched me. You reached out your hand to help me up. And nobody-" his voice cracks and he looks at the ceiling before trying again. "-nobody else ever bothered to. It was like you saw me. Like I was a person.

"I felt something that day and I was greedy. I wanted more. I still want more, but I don't know how."

Bucky's mind races trying to process everything Steve has said. But one thing stands out the most. It's what Bucky holds onto as a spark of warmth ignites in his heart.

_I tried for you._

He wants it to be true. He wants to believe that Steve wants this. He isn't ready to give up on what they have or on what they could be in time.

"Tell me, tell me something I won't find in a history book."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at the newest tags. 😀


	5. Memories of The Past, Build The Story of Our Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for descriptions of old injuries. Not graphic. 
> 
> Italics are memories.

Chapter 5

**Memories of The Past, Build The Story of Our Future**

Bucky swipes his badge at 7:47am and steps in front of Steve as he marches through the lobby of Stark Tower. The blond stops and one side of his mouth lifts slightly. 

"I'll see you tonight, yeah?" Steve asks.

Bucky flashes a quick smile and brushes the tips of his fingers over Steve's arm.

"Dinner. 7 O'Clock. Don't be late." 

Bucky walks away so he doesn't have to look at Steve's perfect ass when he goes.

xxx

_Steve takes Bucky's hand and traces their twined fingers over a pucker of flesh on the front of his shoulder._

_"This was the first. I was shot fighting my way out of Azzano. Went right through the transmitter I was supposed to use so Peggy and Howard could find me."_

_He takes his hand away, but Bucky keeps his there, thumb brushing over the scar as though trying to wipe it away. Everyone knows the story of how Steve went against orders and rescued what was left of the 107th._

_"Those men marched out of there, determined to survive. They were sick and injured, but they kept going. And there I was, this kid from Brooklyn, trying to live up to whatever it was that Dr. Erskine saw in me._

_"Who was I to complain, what right did I have to feel anything? I had this engineered body with limitless potential. But I had been stuck in tights while these guys were out there laying down their lives._

_"By the time we made it back to camp the bleeding had stopped, but the wound was healing over. I didn't go to the medic. There were so many men that needed help. So I went to my tent and dug out the bullet and metal from the transmitter myself._

_"It was… it hurt. God did it hurt. I thought I was going to pass out. That whole time, from the moment I jumped from that plane, to digging that bullet out of my shoulder, I was scared shitless."_

xxx

Steve talks and Bucky listens. Sometimes he asks questions. 

It's not always easy. Sometimes it's hard. Occasionally it's painful. But it's always worth it.

xxx

_Bucky traces his fingers over a jagged raised scar that resembles a burn mark on his abdomen._

_"The Chitauri invasion. I was hit by one of their energy weapons. I hadn't been out of the ice very long and was already made to fight. I get it though. They needed me, still do. My abilities make me valuable."_

_"No! You're valuable because you're a person."_

_Steve pauses long enough for Bucky to start working up an argument in his head._

_But then he says, "Tony insisted we all go eat right after. I figured if he had just fallen from a hole in space and wanted to eat, then I could suck it up and go too."_

_Bucky makes a dissatisfied noise in the back of his throat._

_"I ended up falling asleep right there in the restaurant. I think Thor was the only one who noticed and he took me back to my apartment. I felt really guilty for leaving, but I was also grateful."_

xxx

The corners of Steve's lips twitch up and his eyes crinkle at the edges. Bucky's heart melts a little each time he sees it. 

"What are you wearing?"

"It's a sweater," Bucky explains. 

It's not just a sweater. It's a horrible Christmas sweater. The most obnoxious one Bucky could find. His office is having a contest later that day and Bucky wants to win.

The right side of Steve's mouth rises a little more.

It's not the big fake smile Steve uses when necessary. This slight pleased expression is reserved solely for Bucky. For when he has amused Steve or surprised him with something nice. 

Every once in a while Bucky sees it on Steve's face for no discernible reason at all and those times are the best. 

xxx

_"A flame thrower, if you can believe it. I was doing pretty well with it, but then I got distracted and wasn't paying attention when I put it down and the tip burned right through my pants leg."_

_Steve ducks his head down, but not fast enough and Bucky catches the slight pink that dusts Steve's cheeks._

_"It was pretty embarrassing."_

_"That one didn't scar?"_

_Steve lifts his head again with a thoughtful look on his face._

_"Nah. Didn't get to my skin. Just wounded my pride a little."_

_Bucky shouldn't laugh, but he can't help himself. Steve joins in with a soft chuckle of his own. Bucky kisses him, smiling between soft presses of lips._

xxx

Steve is standing in Bucky's living room staring at the tree. Bucky was careful with the decorations, taking his time to make sure he got them just right.

When Bucky asked Steve about Christmas as a child Steve had been quiet, offering only a few scraps of information. 

Sometimes it's like that. Steve is still quiet. He still struggles. And Bucky hasn't failed to notice that while Steve has slowly opened up to him about his time after the serum, he offers almost nothing from before.

"Is it okay?" Bucky asks cautiously from behind Steve.

Large hands trace along delicate garlands of paper and strings of popcorn. Little stars made of sticks and twine are dotted here and there interspersed with a few select glass baubles that Bucky meticulously sourced. 

"It's perfect, Buck," Steve whispers, pulling a paper snowflake down and running his fingers over the intricately cut paper. 

Bucky steps closer and wraps his arms around Steve from behind. He presses his face in between Steve's shoulder blades and breathes deep, the tension he was carrying all morning dissipating with Steve's assurance.

Later, after an impromptu trip to the store when Steve announced he wanted to cook his Ma's traditional Christmas dinner for Bucky, they lay tangled on the couch sharing kisses and touches. 

The day has been exhausting, for both of them, and so Bucky isn't looking to push for more. He's happy and content and can easily ignore the low warmth of arousal from being so closely pressed to Steve's body. 

Soft music plays in the background, candles glow and flicker in the dim light. The smell of a satisfying meal hangs in the air. Steve's fingers tease at Bucky's waist. 

Later, he won't remember which one of them suggested they relocate to the bedroom, but he will never forget the expression on Steve's face the first time he pressed into Bucky's body; bliss and awe punctuated with a deep guttural moan that made Bucky's toes curl and his eyes water.

"I love you," Bucky whispers quietly into Steve's neck. He can tell by the catch in Steve's breath that he heard.

He presses his lips to Steve's ear. "Don't say it back."

Bucky pulls away just enough to look in Steve's eyes as the blond stills his movements. 

"I don't need you to say it. I don't want you to until you're sure. I'll wait. For you I'll wait."

Steve closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens them there is a softness there that Bucky hasn't seen before. 

It's enough.

xxx

_"And this?"_

_Bucky touches the bridge of Steve's nose. Running his finger over the evidence of a previous break._

_Steve laughs and playfully pushes his hand away._

_"A back alley fight in 1939. Got my ass kicked."_

_Bucky blinks at Steve and breaks into a fit of giggles._

xxx

Bucky wakes to Steve's blue eyes and an expression that he can't quite read. 

"G'mornin," Bucky mumbles as he stretches. His body is pleasantly sore and fully relaxed.

He doesn't miss the way Steve's eyes follow the movement. 

When Steve brings his hand up to cup the side of Bucky's face, his thumb tracing back and forth over Bucky's cheek, he lays still and melts into the touch. 

"Thank you."

Bucky keeps quiet, sensing that Steve isn't done.

"Thank you for waiting for me. For making me want to try. For loving me."

xxx

_Steve looks over Bucky's head and Bucky gives him time to work through his feelings._

_"I could barely hold down a job, couldn't afford to live on my own. I ended up moving in with a guy I went to school with until I enlisted."_

_"I still miss her."_

_Bucky presses closer into Steve's body, holding him tight, allowing Steve as much time as he needs._

xxx

Bucky is sprawled across Steve's lap on the couch. It's nice, a perfect end to his birthday. 

Steve shifts slightly beneath him, handing Bucky a leather bound sketchbook that he apparently had tucked somewhere in the cushions.

"What's this?" He asks, running his fingers over the embossed cover.

Steve doesn't say anything. Instead he opens the book to the first page.

It's filled with Steve's neat handwriting and dotted with little illustrations here and there.

_August 2, 2018: I met someone. Literally ran into him at the tower._

_September 10, 2018: Almost ran into that guy again. It's happened a few times. Too often to be coincidence._

_September 21, 2018: He asked me to coffee. I said yes. His name is Bucky._

_September 22, 2018: He likes mocha lattes and chocolate chip cookies. He asked to meet again. I said yes._

_September 29, 2018: Are these dates?_

Bucky turns the page, reading Steve's notes. Reliving their time together through Steve's eyes.

Coffees becoming lunches, then turning into dinners.

_January 12, 2019: He kissed me._

_January 19, 2019: He cooked me dinner. It was nice. We're going to do it again._

There are pages with sketches of their hands twined together, of Bucky standing in his kitchen, of Bucky smiling. 

Pages filled with dates and precise writing.

_April 28, 2019: Tonight was a lot. The way he moved against me. It was nice holding him._

Bucky can feel his face flush as he reads. 

_June 8, 2019: Bucky stayed over. I liked waking up with him in my bed._

The details of their lives flow through the pages. Intimacies mixed with the mundane. Private moments interspersed with careful images.

_November 8, 2019: He said I keep him at arms length. That I don't share anything meaningful with him. He's right._

_November 13, 2019: when I get back I'm going to show him._

_November 14, 2019: I wish I could call him._

_November 15, 2019: I showed him._

The note for that day is longer than usual, full of Steve's anxieties and his relief. It hurts Bucky's heart to read.

_December 20, 2019: He had on the ugliest sweater today. He still looked good._

_December 23, 2019: Yesterday was overwhelming, but in a good way. Bucky decorated a tree, like Ma and I used to do. It was ugly as sin and absolutely perfect. I cooked him dinner like Ma would. We made love for the first time. He told me he loves me._

The next few pages are full of drawings of Bucky's body. He'd be embarrassed if he didn't see the care with which they were rendered. 

The book is only about halfway full, there are many pages left to fill, but the last entry brings tears to Bucky's eyes.

_March 10, 2020: Today is his birthday. I'm ready. I'm going to tell him that I love him._

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, I'd love to hear about it.


End file.
